Burn out & finding a better way to do this.

Breathe, do the work. The work is always a good place.

The last few months, I’ve been trying to wrestle my thoughts into some coherent order on so many things; social media, what success means to me, professional ethics, what is really important to me, (why do I have to take everything so seriously?) …do I even want to be doing this anymore?

I suck at chit chat and that’s honestly how social media feels lately (when it doesn’t feel like a sustained advertisement ) so I retreat from it. I rarely have anything lighthearted to say and nothing to sell.

There is burn out and winter depression. Depression doesn’t manifest with me as an inability to get out of bed or attend to my life…it creates a fugue of indecision. I see all the possibilities, all the angles, outcomes and consequences always…but when things go flat, I lose perspective, lose the patterns, can’t find what piece to pick up first.

It has lifted, as it usually does when spring registers as renewed possibility, but the holding space I’m building for me is still pretty fragile. And into this space intrudes the need to communicate on behalf of this business.

Each week my “to do” list has had “write a blog post describing winter thought process and structure for communicating going forward” and each week I get paralyzed by trying to make it perfect and not shudder at how raw it is. To not over analyze how much the people who only want to know about the next show or the next piece are going to hate it, or the people who like bunnies and goats are going to be bored by it, etc etc. So I don’t write it, and I don’t really say anything here, and I haven’t updated our FB page since December…and thinking too much about “you” silences me.

I’m drawn to perfect words but what I need more right now is imperfect words that are actually said. Words that are true but also recognize that they demarcate a position in time, one that will change. Should change.

So… here’s my thing. I mostly don’t know exactly what I’m/Rogue Goat is doing right now. I’m pretty close to figuring out the shape of things, the new path forward.

Between now and then, it’s likely to be a bit messy, wordy and light on pretty things, but it will be real. I’m going to pick up blogging again to tease out and address some of the issues we have been sorting out as artists and a business. Maybe you won’t find it interesting…but at least it will be out of my head. 😜

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